There’s no denying we live in a culture focused on results and performance. If something isn’t working, we want it immediately fixed or thrown out. This approach is suitable when we are troubleshooting electronics but what about when it comes to self–love and relationships?
I used to approach weight loss from this angle, too. I hated myself, my body, and the way I looked, so I spent at least five days a week at the gym fixing myself. It all backfired when the more I exercised, the more weight I actually gained. When I lost most of my weight (going from size 20 to 8), I did close to zero amounts of exercise.
Magazine articles tell us that not only do we need to fix our bodies, we need to fix our spouses and relationships, too. If a woman happened to have married someone who wasn’t quite measuring up to being an equal contributor at home, that person needed to be fixed, trained or molded into a person with a different personality or habits.
When we approach healing from the angle of fixing, underneath lays a lot of shame. The feeling of shame can make us act really urgently as if the problem is an emergency and we want it done away with NOW.
It’s why the old me would torture myself at the gym because shame makes things really urgent and unbearable. I thought I was healing my body but I was actually escaping from the discomfort of feeling ugly.
When I say that the part of us that desires to be healed also needs healing, I mean that we are also needing to be aware of and release the motive behind healing in the first place.
It involves taking a look at whether our desire to be healed is fueled by shame and trying to ‘get rid of’ something that we don’t like. Is it fueled by lack of self–acceptance and fixing? Does it come from wanting to ‘be a better person’ and wanting to be loved?
Most people don’t heal voluntarily, I think, but are rather thrown or pushed into it by the universe. Our souls have designed certain life situations that are meant to bring us to our knees. After the old foundation has imploded, then we can rebuild anew.
Some people may call this hitting rock bottom and everyone’s threshold for what ‘rock bottom’ means is different. Some people need to hit absolute rock bottom on most or all levels before they adhere to the wakeup call. Others might only need a hint or the possibility of hitting rock bottom to heed the call.
Then, some people might just opt to live with whatever issues they have. Rather than trying to heal it through to the end, they’ll just live with it, until the next life situation pokes the wound again. For example, a woman may be struggling with feelings of unworthiness and hoarding a lot of weight, and eating foods she can’t digest. She might opt to live with it and does until perhaps she meets the man of her dreams who she might not feel perfect enough for. Then the wound gets triggered again and the call to heal returns.
At that point, this woman can approach healing from two different perspectives: I want to heal because I love myself. Or, I want to heal because I want to feel good enough for him. And if I’m good enough for him, that means I’m good enough for me, and I will finally be loved.
So you can see, with the latter wiring, we would need to heal the part of us that wants to be healed because the desire to be fixed/perfect/whole is fueled by the illusion that we’re not enough.
If we heal from a place of shame, it also means we become attached to the results of the healing. We might feel frustrated if nothing seems to be working or if it’s not happening fast enough.
Once we let go of the motive behind healing, that is when true healing can begin. It is because we aren’t trying to reach a certain destination and get somewhere. Oddly, when we aren’t trying to get somewhere it is when healing runs on an automatic course and may radiate in all directions.
Does this mean wanting to be healed is ‘bad’ or too filled with agendas? Should we stop wanting to be healed? What if we want to heal because we want to make more money or to attract a loving partner?
I don’t feel that wanting to be healed is bad and I don’t feel healing with an agenda is bad either. Most of us do begin at that place and that’s a great place to start.
We will always be drawn to healing because healing means union with the divine. (That is, at least, my experience of it.) To be technical, we are always in union with the divine but we may not be aware of it. Healing means making this feeling of unity more clear and apparent in our awareness, sensations, and presence.
I certainly do my fair share of healing because I want specific dreams to manifest physically and they can’t until my energies are more clear and stabilized. Is that healing with an agenda? I would say so, yes! So I heal the issue plus my desire for the issue to be gone. The healing would be more all–encompassing this way.
It’s not like we can’t do anything with an agenda because after all, we incarnated into these bodies with a specific agenda! That is, to heal, to learn, to grow, to love, to connect, and to rise.
So as you can see, there are no black and white answers and nothing is inherently good or bad. Heal with agenda, heal without agenda. The point is simply awareness. 🙂
I hope this brings you clarity. La la la!