Do you remember the triumph you felt after learning how to ride a bike? I felt this way shortly into my spiritual awakening. From my fingertips poured out an essay called The Gift of Pain, an article about my wounds, showing myself how spiritually mature I’d become.
I was beaming proud of that essay. I had it printed in a church newsletter. I even submitted it to Hay House, for I don’t know what. My article explained that the pain we experience is symbolic spiritual gifts for our growth and how we should use our past to invigorate us toward a greater life purpose.
In my mind, I thought I would write a full book about it, basing it on my healing through narcissistic abuse and how those sad childhood memories steered me toward creating a life of my dreams. That pain=purpose.
But then over the years, I healed. Fully. And when I thought again about writing this book, I thought how great it would be since I healed through it all. But then I discovered I had absolutely nothing to say!
My stories were all gone. The memories I was attached to all vanished. The feelings disappeared. I don’t quite remember what it feels like to be narcissistically abused. I feel blissfully uncaring about my past. If I had to write about my past right now, it would feel like torture. It would also feel like I am a novelist trying to get into the head of a serial killer, something I know nothing about, so I can write about him or her with a degree of convincing realism.
It dawned on me that if I were to write a self–help book in the future, I should write it before I heal because once the healing is complete, all the ideas and words will have vanished. Once we’ve healed, the story doesn’t really serve a purpose.
More than ever, I meet people whose mothers or fathers are narcissists. In conversation, they want to talk about their parents and what they did to them. And I listen. Their memories sound vaguely familiar to me but not really. It feels like a movie I may or may not have watched in a past life.
Nowadays, I find it most difficult to write my About page on my numerous websites. What would I even say about myself if I don’t identify with my past? How would others relate to me if I don’t carry wounds or find pain meaningful?
Through healing myself and others, I realized the stories of our past—how we met our challenges, how we overcame them, how we triumphed, how we failed—actually have very little to no personal value to us.
This is because if are meant to live using intuition and pure synchronicity, what is the value in knowing how we got elsewhere before? Likely, we aren’t trying to reach the same destination twice. So why do we hang on to maps that led us to nowhere, to a ditch, or to an unwanted or old destination?
If you wanted a roadmap to abundance, should you store and reference all the roadmaps to lack or poverty?
If you wanted peace and harmony, should you store and reference all the roadmaps to distrust and conflict?
Yes or no?
Our destiny will always live in the unknown. That’s why I don’t make vision boards because I am committed to manifesting what I don’t already know.
Stories sure have value as a storytelling device to teach, sell, or help others relate to us and understand us. The wisdom we gain has value even more so.
If I were to think about this intellectually, I would have argued differently. I would have said our stories have significant value because our past makes us who we are today. But as a healer, I’ve learned that as soon as the healing is complete, the need for the story disappears, too. The story is only there as a reminder of what needs reconciling.
My clients experience this “disappearing act” often, too. At the start of the session, they might care a lot about something that has happened to them. But once they shift, which could be seconds or minutes later, I’ll ask them if they still care about the issue. They always look a bit surprised at where their anger or “hang ups” went because they can’t find it anymore.
In fact, this person may have shifted onto a new dimension where that issue can’t even exist. So it’s not just about letting go of memories or the past. It’s entering a different reality where that story doesn’t have enough juice to keep itself materialized!
It would be like standing on the ground floor, then riding an elevator to the tenth floor, and expecting to see the same view. The same view is just not there and there’s nothing you can do to make yourself see at ground floor level again.
People hang on to pain and stories because they feel it defines them and makes them who they are. They worry that if they let go of their story or their past, they wouldn’t know who they are anymore. I hear people say this a lot: things that have happened to you make you who you are. Does it?
People might use their past as a scare tactic, like a clown that jumps out when you turn the corner. Because if you forget your past, you might repeat it again, right? And you must keep scaring yourself over and over so that you don’t repeat your mistakes again, right?
I feel that nothing that has happened to me makes me who I am. Because who I am is pure energy. If we were to talk about identification, then I identify with being a part of god itself. And if I am god itself, I scarcely think any person or situation has the power to make me into who I am. That is because I am already the totality and the infinite, at once.
See, we need to perceive ourselves beyond who we think we really are and even then, to let go of our perceptions of ourselves. We aren’t our story, our regrets, what happened to us, or who did something horrible to us. Those are external situations. External situations are just that: they’re events that happened around us. Some which were caused by our own decisions and some not.
Events have the power to catalyze us toward fundamental or radical transformation. Events may have shaped our responses to situations and we developed certain thoughts and feelings as an effect. But none of those are who we are.
Who I am today is not an accumulation of all that I’ve been through and learned. Actually, who I am today is all that I’ve unlearned.
People might say that it’s the stories and our past that make us beautiful or unique. But it’s not. Uniqueness means you intellectually have a different point of view or express your points of view in a fresh way. But the expression is not who you are. Expression is expression.
Similarly, beauty is an energy and it doesn’t need a story to be so. If one needs a story to be deemed beautiful, it is a belief that beauty needs justification.
You don’t have to go through a lot to be beautiful.
You don’t need to be challenged to be worthy.
There is no value to the story.
It’s an identification.
Some people have mentioned to me that they’ve noticed I’ve let go of my Chinese surname and more or less, my Asian identity. They say I am ashamed of being Asian.
But I don’t identify with being Asian. I identify as being Angel. I also identify as a citizen of the world. Being Asian is about the piece of real estate I was born onto and about genetic material. It’s not who I am.
Healing myself and others has shown me that our psyches are an accumulation of memory: from this life, from past lives, and from genetic or ancestral memory inherited from our bloodlines or lineage. None of these memories are particularly valuable or say anything about who we are.
If our stories make us who we are today, it means that we are a product of the past. Karmically and energetically, we may indeed be storing remnants of the past in our consciousness and in our cellular memory, and our work is to release them. But still, that storage isn’t who we are. It’s just stuff we’ve accumulated. Like food in the refrigerator or books on the bookshelf.
We are more than the past. In fact, I would even say that who we are is simply emptiness. We are the number zero because zero is nothing and is also infinite. If everyone had forgotten their stories and their past, what would they remember? They’ll come back to zero and remember that they’re Divinity.
What about happy memories, you might say? Aren’t those worth remembering?
Yes, of course, they’re worth remembering but the thing is that when someone is already blissful and living in happiness, there is no need to hang on to a happy memory.
Accessing a happy memory means we are recalling what it feels like to be happy and feeling nostalgia for what once was. But if we are already in a state of bliss, do you need to remember what it feels like to be blissful? Nope. 🙂
A couple of years ago, before I had learned energy healing, I “accidentally” healed someone of the disposition toward Alzheimer’s (I say accidentally because I didn’t know it was there and I didn’t particularly know what I was doing).
Upon contact with this genetic disposition, I realized that people manifest Alzheimer’s when they want complete relief from memories that have been too painful to process. Because they couldn’t find an outlet to resolve their feelings, they will manifest a way out, which is by forgetting it all.
It’s freedom from remembering.
In society today, people would probably be offended if others chose to move forward or to forget. We are expected to remember war dates and traumatic events in history. At sporting events where people go to have fun and relax, we are supposed to take a moment to mourn all those who have been violently murdered, lest we forget about them in the middle of having fun. We just aren’t allowed to forget, especially not when we are enjoying life.
Is it survivor’s guilt?
Is it because of fear that if we forget, we might accidentally launch another war and kill the innocent?
Is it because it’s more “human” to bond over suffering than to move forward together with total release and joy, which might seem too inhuman and uncompassionate?
Is there any value in suffering: individually or together?
If one person is drowning, is it better to extend them a hand, lifting them to safety and to dry land, or is it nobler to sit in the sinking ship with them?
Religious art and sculpture tend to depict Jesus being nailed to a cross and bleeding. What is the value in imagining his physical pain, centuries over, again and again? Has anyone reflected on what one gets out of seeing Jesus portrayed this way? What would it do to religious beliefs if Jesus was depicted as a happy man, laughing and celebrating?
What is the value of remembering pain? Does it make your life better?
If you trust yourself, is there any value in hanging on to your past?
All good things to think about.
Now, I don’t mean to offend anyone who has been through painful, traumatic, and abusive experiences. The things that happen to people and animals often tear my heart apart. I wrote this article because I want others to know that as painful as these events and relationships may have been, they STILL do not define who you are, which is Infinite Love.
So I offer this as guidance toward a higher consciousness that we can shift ourselves into. Bad things in life happen and calamities are guaranteed in this current evolution of our planet. And that’s okay.
No matter what you went through or what you will go through, it doesn’t make you a victim nor a warrior nor a success story nor a failure story. None of that stuff matters in this illusion called life. It doesn’t change the truth that you are a soul and you are pure consciousness in action.
You are Divinity. Regardless.